


Together we break

by tuva_erice



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Cheating, June 2018, Love, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sexuality, non con
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-01-10 14:55:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12301530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tuva_erice/pseuds/tuva_erice
Summary: One year later. June 2018.Even and Isak are still together but nothing is as it should be. Something has changed between the boys, now young men, and left them broken.Shameful secrets. Violent arguments. A love as strong as it is painful.Because pain is the price of love





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A translation of my swedish work "And broken we stand."   
> More chapters to come. 
> 
> English is not my first language and I apologize for any mistakes

June 24th

22:46

Even

”Faen…” Even is panting into the pillow, the words escaping his mouth barely audible. With a feeling of helplessness he tries to control his breathing, just enough to be able to cope. To be able to endure the rough manner in which Isak is thrusting into him. Again and again. 

”Shit…ah…”

He’s spread across the bed, on his stomach. Isak is taking him from behind, strong hands pushing his shoulders and neck into the mattrass. His entire body is being pressed down on the mattrass actually, and it is unbearable but at the same time bearable. It hurts but feels good at the same time, like always when the line between pleasure and pain is erased. Nowadays the pain is always more insistent though. The pain and feelings of disgust and self-hatred. It slowly devours him.

”Ouch!” Even can no longer hide how the other boys increasingly violent movements affects him. It nothing but hurts now and the abscence of soothing touches, tender kisses and genuin warmth is insufferable. This whole act is insufferable. Isak suddenly stops inside him, holds completely still, and Even knows what he is looking for, knows that Isak is searching for signs of Even finally, and after many attempts, falling apart.

”What did you say?”

The sound of Isaks low voice close to his ear sends shivers down his spine, makes him want to scream. Maybe he should just give up now, let the boy he loves break him. Maybe he should give the spoken question an honest answer, repeat the ”ouch!” and never again have to be subjected to these demeaning fucks on repeat. There are so many things he should do, so much he wants to do to end a war that never should have begun. A war with no winners but with endless of casualties. Nevertheless he simply closes his eyes and hides his face in the pillow. Chooses to remain silent and just take it. And it used to be so beautiful to be on the receaving end in their lovemaking. Now it is mostly associated with guilt and shame.

Evens silence is considered an assurance and he is well aware. It is a signal, an approval directed toward Isak allowing the younger boy to resume the hard thrusts and pound into him even more desperately, making him really sore. This time is no exception.

”Faen! Ah! Shit! Ah! Ah!”

Even is not capable of holding back his cries, can no longer control the sounds escaping his lips. He tries to suffocate them by biting his hand but Isak immediately grabs his hair, forcing his teeth to let go from where they have already left marks. The boy above wants to hear the loud crescendo. As always.

”Isak! Ah! Ah! Faen Faen Faen!!!”

Even will not be able to walk properly in the morning, an evident limp in each and every step. He will be having trouble sitting down for longer periods of time and people, friends and others, are going to notice. The boys will smirk at him, shake their heads and maybe, from a place of fondness, throw him a comment like ’good night or what Even?’ And only a few months ago Even would have laughed along, almost with pride or at least with the feeling of not minding the joke, smiling at the love of his life. Not anymore though. Not since everything that used to be beautiful had turned into an unrecognizable and repulsive lump. These days similar comments sting like salt in open wounds.

Even will pretend. He will try to smile and laugh and ignore the always present anxiety. He will avoid the sad and worried gaze of Mikael, not being able to meet his eyes. Mikael. The only one who knows the truth about what happened. The whole truth. Their revived friendship has yet again grown strong, and Even is confident that the dark-haired boy never would betray any of the secrets he has been given.

’You need to tell him Even,’ he has said on more than one occation, but with a voice free from any judgement or demand. And when Even has dismissed him, murmuring weak excuses why it is impossible to do what Mikael keeps suggesting, he has simply tilted his head and told Even what they both already know. 

’The things he believe Even, the things you let him believe are devastating. You let him believe that you are the one to blame in this. The only one to blame. He needs to know that there is nothing for him to forgive. There is nothing for him to punish you for.’

But Even carry on with the charades, continues to act like a scapegoat and cheater. He leaves Isak in ignorance, lets him make up his own theories about what really happened the night when everything changed. And he neither confirms nor denies the many versions of events that the younger boy keeps launching at him in frustration and agony. Instead he accepts Isaks anger, lets him scream and push and dominate. Lets himself be subdued and controlled.

”The truth will hurt us more,” Even whispers when Isak is coming.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak wakes up to the sound of rain and the smell of smoke. 
> 
> Who is Even talking to on the balcony in the middle of the night?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second chapter 
> 
> From Isak's POV

June 25th 

02:37

Isak

The sound of raindrops against windowpanes is the first thing Isak notices as he slowly opens his eyes. From where he is lying in bed he can feel a light breeze against his naked skin. There is a distinct smell of cigarette smoke in the room and Isak wrinkles his forehead as he rises up, resting his back against the bed frame. The balcony door is somewhat open, a soft yet detectable voice finding its way back inside. He can feel the brick in his chest grow bigger as he tries to distinguish what the boy on the balcony is saying to whoever he is on the phone with. In the middle of the night.

”Thank you for listening,” he hears Even say. ”You know I can’t do that. I just can’t.”

Isak closes his eyes, trying to blink back the tears that are attempting to escape. His breathing increases drastically and he is unable to dispel the many thoughts that are going through his head. 

”It feels so good talking to you. You save me…”

Even does not seem to be aware of his boyfriend’s conscious state on the other side of the door. The phone call continues and Isak closes his fists in agitation. Mixed feelings of anger and pain wash over him as the realization of the other boy’s secret life once again hits him.

”Yeah, you too best bud. Thank you for Everything. I’ll talk to you in the morning.”

Now, Even looks broken from where he stands, leaning his body against the wall next to the balcony door. Dressed in grey sweatpants and a washed out hoodie covered in water stains, he is still painfully beautiful. The dark blonde hair is moist and the blue eyes confused. He is clearly in shock having been caught off guard. 

”Isak, I…” he begins to say but the voice doesn’t carry. He falls silent and turns his glance away. Ashamed. So fucking weak. And Isak is suddenly blinded by rage.

Abruptly he gets out of bed and puts on a pair of trousers which lies forgotten on the floor.

”Who the fuck are you on the phone with in the middle of the night?! Haa??!” Witb determined steps he closes the distance between them, places himself infront of the other boy and meets his startled eyes.

”Are you going to answer me or what?! What the fuck is your problem Even?!”

Isak tries to calm down and to lower his voice. He’s not an animal, not some beast trying to cause harm. He simply wants some answers, that’s all he’s ever wanted. Ever since Even stumbled into the apartement that particular morning, with messy hair and a ripped shirt  
With lips swollen from somene else’s kisses and a neck marked by someone else’s mouth.  
Isak had vomited at the sight.

”I didn’t want to wake you, I was just talking to a friend,” Even explains in a muffled voice. ”I promise baby, can we just go back to sleep now?” He points towards the bed. Isak grabs the older boy by the waist, trapping him against the wall.

”Give me the phone Even,” he demands. ”Show me who you were calling.” He sounds remarkably calm now. Desperately he tries to push away the memories of hickeys and blushing skin, of remorseful blue eyes and a staggering walk. He wants to keep his composure for once, doesn’t wish to transform into the usual screaming and terrifying mess.

”It’s in my back pocket,” Even says. ”If you move I will be able to reach it.” Isak ignores the request and brings his own hand to use. He reaches down the other’s pocket, can feel Even tremble as he closes his fingers around both phone and bum.

The guilt overflows him, suddenly and without warning, Even is in pain and Isak is the cause. Yet again he’s been too rough without realizing the consequences. Because it’s never his intention to inflict harm while their bodies meet in the most intimate of ways. On the contrary, with every touch, through every hard shove, he is trying to prove his love for the other. Even also never tells him to stop or to slow down. He is usually moaning underneath him, twisting and turning in ecstasy. 

Only a few hours earlier Isak had stilled inside of him, ready to pull out at the slightest indication of some line being crossed. He thought he had heard the older boy cry out ’Ouch’, and therefore immediately stopped his movements. But when being asked to repeat himself, Even had just hidden his face in the pillow and made it clear that he wanted more. 

The mobile phone is turned off. Isak stares at the black screen and shakes his head.

”Turn it on!” he says sharply, the feelings of guilt now completely vanished. ”Why did you turn it off in the first fucking place?!” He glares at Even, who stares back with a defiant look in his eyes.

”I don’t want you to go through my phone Isak, it’s not a healthy behaviour. Can we just go back to bed please?” The older boy tries to pass him but is being held back.

”Healthy behaviour?! You’re the one to fucking talk!! Give me the code!”

Isak can literally feel the self control slip through his fingers. His hands are shaking as he begins to try out different combinations, hoping to find the right one. 2121. 1997. 1999.

”Isak, you’re going to lock it!”Even says. ”Give it back!” He reaches forward, grabs the phone and pulls. Isak is surprised by the sudden move but never lets go of the golden object.

”The code!!” he shouts, the older boy’s nails digging into his skin. The adrenaline pumping through his vains prevents him from feeling much pain though, helps him to hold on.

”No!!”Even responds. ”Never!” His blue eyes are filled with something which can only be described as contempt. Disgust. Hatred.

He breaks. Isak is no longer in control of his body. His brain collapses as the madness sweeps over, turning him into the fighter he has promised himself never again to become.

”Are you trying to drive me crazy?!? You cheating fucking bastard!! He forcefully pushes Even back against the wall, shoves him into it and throws the mobile away. The glass shatters all over the floor.

”Stop it! Please…” The older boy is crying, tears streaming down his cheeks. 

”I’m not cheating on you!”

Heartbreaking sobs echoes throughout the apartement but Isak doesn’t care. The anger within is too great.

”You’re fucking with my head you son of a bitch!! You want to make me as crazy as you are!! Now you’re going to give me som answers!! Who fucks you?! Who is he???!”

Isak spits the love of his life in the face when the questions remain unanswered.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The party.
> 
> Even's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, but I will not add anymore tags. Read at your own risk <3

June 25th 

19:30

Even

Even gratefully accepts the beer Magnus is offering him. It’s his third for the evening, and he should probably slow down and not take any unnecessary risks. The medication helps to control the disease, but Even is also required to make some active choices in order to avoid mania.

Alcohol consumption. Drug use. Stress. Only a few of many possible triggers. But tonight, he doesn’t find it in him to care. Another tuborg won’t be the cause of an episode. Not this time around.

”Is everything okay, Even?” Magnus slumps down next to him on the living room sofa. He looks happy, yet a little concerned, as he puts his arm around his shoulders. Even instinctively winces from the sudden touch, but is soon able to regain his composure. Hugs the younger boy back.

”Everything is fine,” he says. ”The weather sucks, though. I was really looking forward to that barbecue.” He gestures towards the nearest window. The rain is pouring down outside.

”Yeah, and on a monday? So typical of Eva. Some of us have jobs, you know.” Magnus smirks. ”But hey...” he continues. ”Is everything okay between you and Isak? You both seem a bit down. And then Isak wrote in the group chat that you were thinking of bailing tonight?”

Even turns his gaze in the direction of his boyfriend. Isak is resting on a bean bag a few metres away, caught up in a conversation with Jonas and Mutta. A beer in his hand. When he notices Even’s lingering eyes on him, he raises the can up in the air for a toast. 

”Ehh, yeah, we are going through a rough patch right now,” Even begins. He tries to smile at Isak, before shifting his focus back to the boy beside him. ”We’ve been arguing a lot, but nothing serious. Nothing we can’t handle, you know. But thanks for caring, man.” He pats Magnus on the back. 

”You can talk to me, you know, about anything,” the other one says. 

”Yeah, I know that,” Even lies.

Because he cannot. He can’t talk about what really is on his mind, or why life feels unbearable to live. He cannot tell anyone about the night that left him in pieces, or how he on a daily basis drives Isak insane. That their love life, which used to be so passionate and versatile, now has been reduced to Even always being the one ending up on his back or stomach, often face down in the pillow. 

”Isak didn’t want to come tonight, no. But he came for me.” Even quickly wipes away a teardrop from his cheek. He tries to collect himself, scared of causing a scene here infront of their friends. Magnus softly caresses his back, moves his palm up and down the spine in comforting motions.   
”Of course he did,” he simply states. ”He would do anything for you, Even.”

”Trying to steal my boyfriend again, Magnus?” Isak shouts from where he is seated. He then gets up on his feet, and starts walking toward the couch. ”Hey baby,” he whispers, while dropping down next to Even. 

”Haha, chill out, man!” Magnus jokes, as he holds up his arms in defense. ”I think I’m gonna stick with Vilde.” He winks at Isak before leaving the couple alone, presumably to go find his girlfriend.

Isak appears to be pretty intoxicated, with shiny eyes and a blowsy face.

”Are you having fun?” he slurs, leaning forward and places a wet kiss on the older boy’s mouth. ”You do realize that I’m not jealous of Mags, right? It was just a joke.” He smiles.

”Eh no, why would you be jealous of Magnus?” Even asks, unable to hide the irritation in his voice. He pulls away when Isak tries to kiss him once more. 

And maybe they shouldn’t have come here. Isak had practically begged Even to stay home. He had wanted to talk and to clear the air. Because something broke last night. Their fight had turned violent, and Even had become scared. Scared of his boyfriend’s strong arms that easily held him in place. Shocked by the hateful words escaping the younger boy’s mouth. And last but not least, the droplets of saliva all over his face. Fucking humiliating. 

Isak has been remorsefull all day. Repeatedly asked for forgiveness. Crying. Sobbing. And Even wants to forgive. He has already forgiven. He just can’t handle any jealous comments right now, even if they are meant to be funny.

”Fuck, I want you so bad,” Isak says. ”I want you right now, Evi.” He doesn’t seem to take any notice of the other’s foul mood. He’s too drunk. Yet again he searches for Even’s lips with his own. 

”Isak, we should get going.” Even grabs hold of Isak’s jaw, and meets his glance. It radiates lust and confusion. ”We should get home,” he explains. 

”To fuck?” Isak laughs while Even drags him away from the living room. 

”Maybe,” Even answers, and suffocates a scream when the younger boy pats him on the butt. He is in pain. Everywhere. 

Mikael is standing in the hallway, trying to find a place to hang his jacket. He works afternoons at a youth center, and therefore shows up late to many gatherings. 

”Even!” he exclaims when he spots the friend. ”Are you alright, best bud?” He sounds very concerned. 

”We’re heading home.” Even tries to fend off Isak, who is currently licking his earlobe. ”Has it stopped raining?”

”Yes… it has. But I’ve sent you five texts, and they don’t get delivered. And then I read in the group chat that your phone… what’s wrong with it? I’ve been fucking worried.” Mikael runs a hand through his hair. 

”Hi Isak!”

”Mikael.” Isak nods towards the man in front of him, and puts an arm around Even’s waist. A rather possessive arm. ”And you don’t have to worry about Even. I will take care of him. It’s not your job.”

”Isak,” Even says with a sigh. He’s ashamed of the younger one’s behaviour. Mikael deserves to be respected, and is instead met with suspicion. Even himself would never dream of snapping at Jonas when he shows consideration for Isak. Which is often. 

”I know you do,” Mikael calmly responds. ”I just wondered what happened to the phone. I thought it was new?”

”I dropped it on the floor, and it broke.” Even sincerely hopes that Mikael won’t ask any more questions. He doesn’t want to keep lying. He’s too tired, and already drowning in different explanations and excuses. It’s overwhelming.

”I’ll get a new one in the morning, best bud. I have the whole week off. I’ll call you as soon as I do.”


	4. Chapter 4

June 25th

21:35

Isak

The desire for the other’s body is insatiable. Isak wants. He wants all the time, and even more after five strong beers. As soon as the front door closes behind them, he throws himself at the older boy, pushing him up against the hallway wall. Claiming him.

”Isak,” Even gasps, but kisses him back with hunger. ”Isak…”

”Tell me that you are mine.” Isak repeatedly slides his tongue into the other’s open mouth. Moaning heavily. He is desperate for some sort of confirmation, for an assurance that they still belong to each other. 

”Tell me that I don’t have to share you with anyone.”

Even freezes, and shoves him away. With an exasperated sigh, he then shakes his head. Snorts.

”What the hell are you saying, Isak?” he asks through gritted teeth. ”You don’t share me with anybody, for fuck’s sake.” With an unexpected force he slaps the boyfriend’s hands away, manages to escape his tight grip, and disappears into the bedroom.

”And how the hell should I know?!” Isak shouts and immediately follows. The panic within rises when he spots a black bag spread out next to the wardrobe. Even is packing it with different pieces of clothing. T-shirts. Jeans. Hoodies and boxer shorts. 

”What are you doing?!” He doesn’t feel drunk anymore. The scene taking place before his eyes, leaves him completely sober. Sober and terrified. 

”This doesn’t work right now. I need to get away for a while.” Even continues throwing items in the bag, seemingly unaffected by the situation. 

”Is this about last night,” Isak wants to know. ”Because I…”

”It’s about everything! About how we are treating each other. You keep punishing me all the fucking time. I… I don’t know who I am anymore.” Even leans back against the wardrobe door, looking down at the ground.

”I’m not punishing you!” Isak says angrily. ”You’re the one who won’t tell me who the fuck it is you slept with! No wonder I feel fucked!” He gestures towards his head to emphasize his point. The heart is pounding hard in his chest, almost ready to break, and his breathing is escalating. Everything is a nightmare. He wants to wake up.

”I’m the only one getting fucked in this relationship,” the older boy blurts out, and begins to laugh wickedly. ”You never get FUCKED anymore, do you?” he challenges.

At first, Isak doesn’t understand what Even means. The realisation hits him soon enough though, and he needs to bite his tongue to keep himself from screaming.

”Fuck you, Even!” he sputters. ”What are you insinuating?!”

”What I just said,” Even anwers, and puts the bag on the bed. ”You have become a stereotypical, fucking Top, and I’m suppose to be some submissive… I don’t even know…”

”Submissive?! You make it sound like I’m forcing you!!” Isak is about to explode. ”And stereotypical Top? Who the fuck talks like that? What is that? Excuse me if things change after you fucking cheated on me! And you probably still do.”

Even furiously closes the bag, and swings it over his shoulder.

”Go fuck yourself!” He’s walking towards the doorway, leading out to the hall. ”I’m not cheating on you! When would I even have the chance? You control my every move, Isak!” He’s just about to pass the treshold, when Isak finds his way and gets in between.

”You’re not going anywhere, Even! Do you seriously expect me to just stand by and watch you leave? Ha?” He pushes him back into the room. ”Fuck no! You’re staying here with me!”

And Isak means it, he means every single word. He will never allow his love to walk away from him, not an evening in June when life is suppose to feel good. He will make the older boy stay, force him to remain, even if he has to tie him to the bedpost.

”Stop it!” Even whimpers, and Isak knows that he should. Still he chooses to keep on shoving, to grab a hold of fighting wrists and skinny hips, well aware of his physical advantage. Because he is stronger, considerably so, and can easily subdue the other.

”Are you leaving me for him? Are you going to him now?” Isak is pressing his body against Even’s, rips the bag off of him, and directs him towards the bed.

”Isak, please look at me,” Even pleads while falling into the mattress. ”Please, look at me,” he repeats. 

Isak refuses. He won’t meet the blue eyes of someone who would rather observe a secret lover. He can’t let himself be fooled or distracted, can’t loose control only to watch Even run out the door and apartement. Leave their life together behind. Never.

He straddles the older boy, one leg on each side of the lean waist, and reaches for his hands. His head is spinning from all the unsorted thoughts, from the many feelings he simply cannot handle at the moment.

Anger. Disappointment. Love. Jealousy. Sadness.

”I love you, Evi,” he whispers, leaning forward and hides his face in the other’s neck. Breathing in the scent of the one he will loose. Covers him like a human duvet.

”I love you too,” Even says.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From Even’s POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slow updates, but here comes another chapter! Not very happy with the translation, but what to do...
> 
> I will not add anymore tags! Read at your own risk
> 
> Enjoy!

June 26th

09:35

Even

Even is seated at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee infront of him. He places two advils on the tongue and washes them down with a sip of the bitter beverage. His head is hurting, although the hangover from last night is not the only cause. Life itself is a major headache at the moment, a type of pain that no painkillers in the world can relieve.

”Halla…” Isak appears in the doorway, newly awake and so fucking beautiful that Even’s forced to close his eyes. Memories from last night, fragments of an Isak in despair, come flooding back. They haunt him. Torment him.

”Good morning,” he finally manages to stutter out before opening his eyelids once again, using his last willpower to do so. ”I’m leaving soon.”

The words make Isak wince, as if he just got stung by a wasp, but he remains silent. He begins to play with his white shirt, repeatedly pulling at the thin fabric. He looks directly at Even, ogles him, eyes screaming of desperation and fear.

And Even knows. He knows that he should have left his love the day before. He should have finished what he already started and walked out the door. Closed it. He should not have allowed himself to be persuaded to stay, neither should he have allowed Isak to sleep on top of him throughout the night. Now he has to destroy the one he loves for a second time. The result of being a coward and staying a few extra hours. 

”For how long?” Isak asks, his voice weak and shaky. ”And where are you going?”

”This week to begin with.” Even doesn’t know the answer to the first question himself. He doesn’t know anything anymore, it feels like, only that he needs to get away for a while to be able to breath properly.

”Even, please,” Isak pleads. ”Can you just tell me where you are going?” He’s shivering and Even suddenly realises what it is he must be thinking. In this particular minute, Isak most certainly is standing over there assuming that he will run away to a lover that doesn’t even exist.

”To Michael, or my parent’s house maybe,” he hurriedly explains in order to stop the other one from speculating any further. He then rises from the chair and slowly makes his way towards the angel in the opening. A very broken angel but his nonetheless.

”I’m so fucking in love with you, Isak,” Even says and puts his hands on the younger boy’s arms, stroking defined muscles and broad shoulders. ”I want you to know that.” And the sensation of Isak, of his skin and his scent and everything else that is only him, awakes something within Even. A longing of some kind. He suddenly wants, needs to feel in every way still possible. The body demands to be touched, requires the other’s familiar lips against his own. And Isak eagerly reciprocates the kiss, embraces him without hesitation. Manly. Even’s breathing intensifies, as does his arousal, and he is moaning loudly while being led in the direction of the bedroom. The floor is decorated with different pieces of clothing along the way. 

”I need you,” Even sighs and he has never been more honest. The urge to be close, to love and to be loved, is almost to strong to handle. He falls back into the mattrass. Ready.

”Do you really want this, Even?” Isak is standing at the edge of the bed. Waiting. ”Because you said some things last night… and I won’t be able to…”

”Shhh…” Even pulls Isak down towards him and can soon feel the weight of the other’s body on top of his own. Enjoys it. Green eyes search for blue ones in between the wet kisses, and it becomes too much. He can’t deal with the various emotions, is not able to process the many feelings he experiences all at once. He turns his head to the left and then to the right, throws it backwards, in order to avoid the other’s gaze. And when everything still is too much, he completely shifts and places himself on his stomach. Because he craves something he cannot bear to see.

”Why do you never look at me anymore?” Isak asks. ”You always turn around…”

Even doesn’t respond. Instead he focuses on the erection against his ass, finding comfort in doing just that. It stabilises an overheated brain somehow.

”Do you… do you want me to…” Isak begins to say, soon getting interrupted.

”Isak! Can you please just fuck me?” Even arches his back a bit, putting his bum on display in some sort of weird seduction attempt. 

”Only if you really want me to,” Isak says, but groans when his hard cock is being rubbed between tight butt cheeks. ”If you want to, I mean if you want it for real.” He leans his head against Even’s neck. 

”I want you to,” Even assures. ”Faen, I really want you to…”

”Okey, Evi.”

Isak then abruptly gets up, leaving a cold and unwanted void behind. Even immediately freezes from the lack of bodily contact.

”What are you doing?” he whispers, but doesn’t make any actual effort to find out what he already knows. He remains in the same position as before, a position preventing him from witnessing the younger boy’s movements. And he can distinguish the sound of Isak opening the bedside table, the content of the drawer loudly scrambling around.

”I’m just getting the lube and stuff.”

And stuff. Condoms. Isak is adament in his decision to wear them, afraid of diseases and what not, and it doesn’t matter how many times Even tries to convince him that he is clean. That he doesn’t carry any disease, at least not a transferable one. Isak believes otherwise, and there is no point in nagging him about it. It serves no purpose. 

”Okey…” he therefore simply says.

Isak takes his time getting Even ready, and with fingers so soft that it almost becomes insufferable. The older boy begs for more, he wants harder and for it to really burn. The other one ignores his requests, just continues to gently stretch and prepare. As if Even was made of glass. 

”Isak, can you just… shit… give me more!” He sneaks one hand behind his back and grabs at his boy, trying to get him to comply.

”No Even!” Isak protests. ”I don’t care how you want it, I refuse to be rough with you this time. So now we do this my way or not at all, do you understand me? Hu?” He says this in a way that leaves no room for further discussions. And when he, a few minutes later, finally is inside Even, his movements are so slow and tender that Even begins to cry.

”Shh baby,”the younger one whispers. ”Shh… I’m right here.” He kisses him over the shoulders and starts to thrust somewhat harder, just enough for Even to sense it. And Even feels with every nerve, he feels from head to toe how much he loves. How much he loves Isak. He wants to tell him right here, right here and now, when they are so close that nothing can tear them apart. He wants to tell him all of his secrets. Every single one. The fear outsmarts him though.

”I’m so fucking afraid that you’ll end up hating me,” he sobs, and it’s absurd and twisted and he knows deep down that the truth wouldn’t make Isak hate, and least of all him. In the end it doesn’t matter. The thought of that particular outcome, the thought of Isak despising him, robs him of the little courage he has left.

”Evi…” Isak brings his arms all the way around the older boy’s torso, rocking him with each thrust. ”I could never hate you. Never. I fucking love you.”

And afterwards, when the session of love making is finished, Even walks out the door. Shattering the love of his life for the third time in barely twelve hours.


End file.
